I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
