I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
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