i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Randomize
