def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
