No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Randomize
