Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Who died my cat blue again?
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Randomize
