Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I smell like Dick and happiness
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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