I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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