do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Randomize
