WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
This is classic penis vs brain.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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