honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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