the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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