Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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