I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
