Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
