I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Randomize
