You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Randomize
