one might say we're banned from that church
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
