Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
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