What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Randomize
