I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
