Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Randomize
