I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
