I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
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