Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
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