at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
