not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
