I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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