And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
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