My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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