Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Randomize
