I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
