I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
