My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
