But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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