I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Randomize
