HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
