there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
there's paper in my vomit.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Randomize
