She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
