shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
