yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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