I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Randomize
