my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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