If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Btw I puked in your glovebox
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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