just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
