He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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