yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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