sarcasm needs its own font
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
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