i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
