you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
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