I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize