3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
